While I love whiskey I have finally come to terms that it just doesn’t love me back. There have been a few well documented cracks in our relationship recently though this was the final straw.

While at a wedding afters I got talking to a Scottish bloke at the bar. Our discussion soon turned into a childish debate as to which is best…Irish or Scottish Whiskey. After umpteen whiskeys from both sides of the water and with no clear winner in sight I pull out all the stops.

Me: Bartender, give me two shots of Midelton Rare please.
The Bartender:(Raised eyebrow) Certainly Sir. Just one moment.

The bartender returns with a pair of crystal whiskey tumblers.

Me:(To Scottish nemeses) Ah yes. Crystal whiskey tumblers. Your in trouble now!

Just as the 1st drop of whiskey threatens to leave its bottle and enter my glass the bartender stalls.

The Bartender: You do realise how much a shot of this is?

Suffering from a bruised ego via my working class inferior complex I retort.

Me: Damn it man. Of course I know the cost. Make it two doubles!
The Bartender: My apologies Sir. That will be 63 euro please.

Near collapsing from my stool I open my wallet and hand him 70 euro.

Me:(Defiantly) Keep the change!

Moments later the wife comes over with her friend.

The Wife: Buy us a drink.
Me: I can’t.
The Wife: Why not?
Me: I’ve no money left.

The Wife looks at the multitude of empty shot glasses. She walks away shaking her head.

A friend’s work colleague recently paid the princely sum of two thousand euro to have his front teeth veneered. After the procedure the friends colleague had some concerns which were addressed promptly by his dental surgeon.

Friends colleague: Aren’t they a little crooked?
Dental Surgeon: Ah you want them like that. People will know they’re fake if they’re too perfect.

…..On another planet I suspect. 

On a “lads down from Dublin weekend” the brother is tearing up the dance floor in a Cork nightclub. The song “Footloose” suddenly comes on. The brother comes racing from the dance floor looking rather drunk.

The Brother:(challengingly) Name the film!
Me:(bemused) Footloose.
The Brother: Damn your good!

The brother staggers back to the dance floor.

While cutting the grass out our back garden I bemoan the fact that I have to pick up the dogs poo.

Me: (looking at the dog) Jesus, Is there anything worse than picking up your shit?

Moments later bird shit lands on my head.

Me: It’s a scam, it’s a scam! Don’t waste your money. Ye never win anything. It’s a scam I tell ye!

The merries had come to town. Me Da and sister, visiting from Dublin for the weekend play the game whereby using a hook you remove 3 ducks circling a pond. If the bottom of the duck is numbered you win a prize.

Me Da: A scam yeah. Never win anything eh?
Me: Yeah. Hardly any of the ducks have numbers on em!

My warnings ignored I wander off to look at another attraction. Suddenly I hear a roar from my sister. I return to investigate.

The Sister:(excited) Wahey! Thought you never win Ray?

I look over the far side of the pond. Out of sight of the game master Me Da is turning over the ducks and pointing to the sister which ones to pick up.

Mc Sweeney’s 3 – 0 Carney Folk

After my 2nd horse riding lesson my instructor calls me aside.

Instructor: Well done Ray. Next week I’m going to crank it up a level and move you to a more challenging horse.
Me:(excited) Great. Which horse will it be?
Instructor: Sleepy.

At Sunday mass our local priest shocks the congregation in more ways than one.

Priest: I’ll be leaving our parish soon and moving to Ballinhassig Parish.

Cue mass mumblings from the congregation.

Priest:(Laughing) Funny thing, the last two priest they’ve received left in a box shortly after arriving. Let’s hope I’m third time lucky for them.

While down the local for a quiet pint I receive a backhanded compliment, I think, from a local woman.

Local Woman: You got your haircut thank God!
Me: What, why?
Local Woman: You looked horrible with longer hair.

I went for my 1st horse riding lesson this week. While in the stables the instructor introduces me to my horse.

Instructor: Now Ray. I’d like you to meet Grumpy.
Me:(panicking) Grumpy!
Instructor: Don’t worry. He’s got a great temperament so he’s perfect for you. I normally use him for kids with special needs.

On a company night out our receptionist tells of a recent visit to the bar.

Receptionist: So I’m waiting to be served at the bar and there’s this guy right, and he’s giving the barman shit cos his bottle of coke says it’s from Hungary and he wants an Irish one.
Me: A soft drinks racist. Whatcha gonna do eh?
Receptionist: I told him to piss off down to the local Centra to find himself one and get out of my way.
Me:(spitting out drink) That doesn’t strike you as risky, taking on some nutter you don’t even know?
Reception: Nah, he was a little shit. I knew I could take him.